2018...#1

Happy New Year!

2017 was over in a blink and as we stand here in the first week of 2018, we are assured it will come and go faster than it's predecessor. 

This will be my first full year without a grandparent in the world. I will see my first of three kids leave the comforts of elementary school and head into the terrifying halls of high school. My youngest will spend her last days in the "little hall" (all of you WGS parents know what I am talking about). My 11-year old will continue to resemble a young lady rather than a little girl. I will celebrate with my mom as she retires and enjoys life outside of work. I will have survived seventeen years of marriage in July. The relationship with my island will turn 17 as well. Lord willing, I will run my first half marathon.  My family of five will travel. I will turn 40.

40. Life begins at 40. Isn't that what they say?

When I think of 40 my mind usually turns to scripture. The number is used so many times in The Word...146 times if my research is correct.  In some cases it denotes a period of testing or trial. In others, the number gives way to rebirth and new generations.  In either case, 40 is a big number in so many stories.

Noah heard the rain on the roof of the ark for forty days and forty nights. Moses spent forty years in Egypt, then forty years in the wilderness before God made him the leader He had created him to be. God sent him onto Mt Sinai twice to get the law...forty days each time.

Jonah spent days trying to convince Ninevah to change it's ways. Forty days to be exact. In Ezekiel chapter 4 we read about the prophet lying on his right side for forty days; one day for each year of Judah's sin. Elijah went without food and water for forty days.

In the days of the judges, Deborah and Gideon served forty years each. Goliath taunted the Israelites for forty days until a little shepherd boy took him down. In Deuteronomy the people were told to give 40 lashes and 40 lashes only if someone was sentenced to be flogged.

Jesus fasted for forty days in the wilderness, while satan tempted him numerous times. He was subjected to one of those forty lashes floggings. And when he arose, Jesus waited forty days before he ascended into heaven.

I wonder if Noah thought life truly was going to begin for him when the doors opened back up again on the ark. Imagine the disappointment Moses must have had when he set out of Egypt after forty years, to realize he was only going to wonder around the wilderness for another forty. Elijah had to be so hungry after forty days. I wish I knew what life had in store for Gideon and Deborah after their forty years of judging...did life really begin after that???

I am not buying it. Life began along time ago and there have been new beginnings all along the way.

God did a lot with these folks over forty days, forty nights, and forty years. He molded them, prepared them, redeemed them, and refined their hearts over and over again. He taught them patience, increased their faith, and proved His presence. He made them stronger, wiser, and bolder. None of them were perfect, but God continued to make them better. He was always with them. Whether He was sending them manna, showing up in bush that was on fire, giving them a whisper in their ear, or being silent; He never forgot any of them. And at the end of the 40 lashes given to Jesus, God gave redemption to all of us.

With me, He has done some of the same in my first forty years.  He has renewed my heart and opened my eyes to His promises again and again. He has allowed me cross paths with people who have taught me there are many different ways of life other than the one from which I was raised. He has taught me forgiveness. He has allowed me to see and experience the miracle of carrying a child and becoming a mother. I have been so imperfect through it all. I am so thankful that He has taught me about His grace. He has never forgotten me.

In my fortieth year...in 2018...my plans are His plans. My only resolution if you will for the new year is to be more in tune with what He would want me to do, as a mother...as a wife...as a teacher...as a woman...and a child of His. I vow to chronicle this fortieth year here in 40 individual posts. I know what He has done so far. In forty years I have been tested, had a few trials, and have been reborn a time or two. This is the last year of 40 and I am eager to see how He finishes refining and redeeming me for the next 40.

Dear Nancy Caroline

I go all "Momma Bear" sometimes. But truthfully, if we are given good cause, I think God expects us moms to do so on occasion. We are tasked with being the champion, advocate, cheerleader, encourager, and protector our children need.

As I share this, I also have a challenge for us all. This hurting each other with our words thing, yeah, it isn't getting much better. In fact, I'd say it is getting worse. It's in our families, among our friends, in our media, and even in our church families. We need to think before we speak. What we say about and to each other, to our faces or behind our backs, can hurt the strongest of people. Let's do better.

This one is for my "Fancy Nancy"...

***

Dear Nancy Caroline,

Today someone called you "bossy".  It made me very angry.

But I composed myself and responded with what I hope was seen as love. Love for the ones that threw out that term so flippantly...but even more love for you.

I know that the term "bossy" and a few others that have been thrown your way really hurt you. My dear one, you put on a brave and strong front, but I am your mother and your friend. I can see the long, far off look in your eyes in the moments after you have heard the words. I believe whole heartedly that words are the most dangerous and most used weapon in our world.

Sometimes these words have come from your peers. Sometimes these words have come from adults. Your peers are learning, and I hope they learn better than these adults that use the same words. Some people need to open their eyes, think outside the box, and be a bit a lot less critical. Praise should be heard at a scream and criticism should be whispered. Usually folks do it the other way around.

Sweet girl, I know you and God did not make you "bossy".

You came into the world very quietly. The seconds seemed to have gone on for hours as we waited to hear your first cries. I pleaded with you as the nurses cleaned you and prepared to lay you on my chest...

"Cry, baby, cry."

And finally you did. And it was the sweetest sound I had ever heard.

From that moment on, I have always been amazed at your abilities and the things God innately blessed you with.

God made you capable. Capable of thinking through situations and being able to weigh the options. You have been blessed with the ability to organize and evaluate situations with very little thought.  You are confident and decisive.

He has also made you strong. Your strength sees you through the emotionally tough days and allows you overcome negative criticism and the nasty behavior of others. Your God-given strength also allows you to do the things that for brief moments you think you can't do.  I know this because I have witnessed you overcome fear and be brave. I love that you zip line, repel, and other things that  have been scary for you.

God gave you determination. He made you industrious. No task is too big for you. You do it and you do it well. You do not have a lazy bone in your body.  You are a go-to person...you will get the job done. This is a valuable trait, but as you grow older some will take advantage of this. Learn to set your boundaries and learn to say the word "no".  It will serve you well.

You have been blessed with loyalty. When you love someone, you love them without hesitation. You stick by those in your circles and you will fight and stand up for them at all costs. No one will ever be allowed to hurt someone you love if you are around.  If someone shows disloyalty to you or to someone you love, you then take note and you are wise where you put your trust from that point forward. This is a wise attribute. Just so you know, I am loyal to you. I will be your champion.

God made you fierce. When you have made your mind up, you are a force to be reckoned with. You are convicted by your beliefs, values, and morals. The answers to the questions you will face as you grow older are already answered because you know where you stand. Life is always a little easier when you know what you value.

You are beyond beautiful. Outward appearance isn't the most important thing in life, but us gals are fooling ourselves if we say we don't like to hear the words, "you are beautiful". I hope I tell you that enough. Your smile is big, bright, and contagious. God placed those fun freckles just perfectly and gave you natural highlights in your hair that no beautician can create.

God also gave you an extremely big heart. That is your most beautiful characteristic. You want to give to those in need. You hurt when others hurt. You want others to do what is right...not to tell them what to do and how to do it...but to spare them the trouble for which they are headed. You are a doer of good, a lover of people, and for those of us that hold a place in this big heart of yours, we have been given a great prize.

There is something I want to warn you about. When you are many of the things that you are, the devil will try to convince you that you do not need anyone else...that all these awesome attributes make it absolutely acceptable and achievable to go at life alone. You will start to believe him. Don't. God created you to help others and to also depend on others. That is why he made families and friendship. Use the wisdom He has given you and find your safe places. I know one that you have already...me...I will always be your safe place.

I have eager anticipation as I think about your future, where you will go and what you will do and who you will continue to become. Your father and I and a few others have opinions and ideas. Watching you I am so sure you will be one of the best at whatever you choose to do. I have a feeling you will travel far and you will do an awful lot of good.  You will be a wonderful wife and mother...better than me, I am sure. But my greatest hope is that you will listen carefully to what God has in store and will seek His guidance as you journey along and grow. I know you will. His plans are always bigger, better, and blow all our human ideas right out of the water.

So sweet girl, when you are naturally capable, strong, determined, loyal, fierce, and beautiful, people just don't know how to respond. All these characteristics rarely show up all in one package. It makes it even harder to respond to when the person in question is 11. The easiest response they can come up with is to criticize the qualities they don't understand or may be jealous of, so they throw out a term that makes all these God given abilities seem less intimating.

You are not "bossy".  You are a leader. You are all these things I have listed and more. You are extraordinary. I am thankful beyond measure I get to claim you on this earth as mine.

Love, Mom

Three kids later...What's a stay-at-home-mom to do???

Fourteen years ago last month, I found out I was going to be a mother. Within the next nine months after that, my body went through miraculous changes, our little apartment was baby proofed beyond measure, and we decided it was best for our new family of three that I stay home with the soon to be born "Baby Jackson".

In 2001 I traded in Ms. Anderson for Mrs. Thomas. In 2004 I traded in Mrs. Thomas for Mommy.

It was the beginning of a new title, a new position, and a pretty hefty promotion. One that I knew God had purposed specifically for me. I was excited and honored to take on such a role. The journey was sure to be adventurous and hard and beautiful and unknown. I was up for the task.  I chose to see it as I was still a teacher...my classroom just looked a little different, and the benefits were much better.

Along the way, my class roll tripled.  Then one by one, the three kids set off to kindergarten.  Fast forward to the present. I now stand looking up to my baby boy, almost eye to eye with one baby girl, and the youngest baby girl promises to catch me all too soon. 13, 11, and 8...it's a new season indeed.

Three kids later...all in school...what is a stay at home mom to do? In the last few weeks, the answer has become very clear to the Thomas family...

The stay at home mom, doesn't have to stay home any longer.

I have given alot of thought about what I want to do, and where I want to go.  I have been thinking back on who I was and what I did before motherhood. I have prayed for wisdom, discernment, and guidance. And at the end of it all, Mrs. Thomas and Mommy can coincide quite well together.

Earlier this month, I began a new adventure back at Watertown High School where my teaching days began in 2000.  The school is in a new building now, is under new administration, has lot of new teachers, and I carry a different title.  Many friends have snickered when I tell them I am the In School Suspension Coordinator. But in my last 13+ years as "mom", I have learned even more so how to be firm and tough, but at the same time loving, helpful, and kind. My last full time position has prepared me pretty well for this new role, I'd say.

This week...today...this season focused on Thanksgiving...my mind is on all of you fellow sisters out there working hard to make a difference somehow and in someway.  Many before us have worked extremely hard for the generations that have followed to be able to have a say, to be treated equally, and to be admired for creating some of the most challenging balancing acts.

Some of us are young and spirited and free, challenged by the demands of furthering our education. There are others of us a little further along in their story, getting our feet wet in the career that we have chosen. Some of us are wives, trying to manage through the maze of marriage. There is a good portion of us that are professionals, keeping our communities moving and shaking. Young and old alike, those of us that are mothers are trying to keep our own identity, while making sure the ones that made us mothers can find theirs as well. Then there are some of us, that do a little bit of it all, and give so much inspiration to those of us that don't think that we can.

To all of us, I say BRAVO!  I am honored to call you sister and friend. It takes all of us in all our different roles to get His work done.

But if you are in this tribe and you are doubting yourself; I feel ya! I have doubted myself so many times. Doubt and fear almost kept me away from this new job. But that doubt comes from only one source and he is the ultimate enemy. He creates the feelings of inadequacy, shame, and guilt too. The father of all evil is what we will call him. And all these feelings he conjures up by calling out our insecurities and struggles are lies.

His lies can be combated and conquered by one thing and one thing only. Our identity in Christ Jesus.  We are His. He created us, molds us, uses us to be educated community members, professionals, friends, wives, mothers, and so much more. We are all these things, but we are His namesake first. And if we keep that in mind, with a life in service to Him is our focus...we can do all things through Him.

I am more than excited about this new adventure. I already enjoy my work. My favorite part is meeting all my new co-workers and the students that call Watertown High School home. I loved teaching here back in the day...I think I am about to love it even more now.

To the immediate ones in my circles, I say thank you. The encouragement you have given me has helped me step out of the familiar. Some of you have stepped up and helped out as my family of five gets adjusted to this change of schedule. I appreciate your acts of kindness more than you know. For every text, phone call, and upbeat, "Hey how's that new job going?" my days have been made a little brighter. Thank you for being "mine" but more importantly for being "His".

Michael's 40th Year

40. It's a milestone, yet intimidating. It shows great significance in scripture. Divided by 2, it breathes in the freedom of youth. Multiplied by 2, some think it unreachable. We all treat it as an accomplishment.

Last year on this very day, my best friend turned 40. We celebrated big, praised the Creator for bringing him into the world, and asked for many more years of Michael Thomas.

Since I met him I have heard of a goal he had set for himself...to run a marathon. Michael spoke of if a lot and then life would get in the way. Medicine, fatherhood, work.  On the night of his 40th birthday, he committed to running it during his milestone year.

Christmas rolled around and not a lot was going on in his training. So, Santa gave him a little boost with a special "marathon goodie box", complete with a running watch, Bluetooth earbuds, good socks, a running plan, and a gift card to Fleet Feet for some good shoes. And with that, off he went.

He ran through the neighborhood, then he headed out into Woodbury.  He ran on weekend getaways in Pigeon Forge and Asheville. In February, he ran in Africa while on a medical mission trip. In March and July he ran on Saba. He started running on the four lane toward the Boro. Occasionally, he would run in the opposite way toward McMinnville.  He ran through the campus at Clemson while Jackson was at football camp.  He ran in the morning and at night and every hour in between.

When cross country sign ups started at Woodbury Grammar School, all three kids wanted to be like Dad, so they signed up with Coach Elrod.

Everyone started complimenting the fine running physique and determination of my husband. For those of you that don't know, Michael and I are very competitive, so this momma laced up her shoes and took off alongside him.

Michael's 40th year...the year the Thomas 5 started running.

His muscles hurt. His bones ached. He ended up "bonking" a time or two. But he kept at it.

He worked on an intensive bible study. He took a promotion at work, creating more responsibilities. The kids schedule got beyond hectic. He still ran.

He craved the junk food. He wanted to lay on the couch. He didn't want to run. He ran anyway.

It was fun and exciting to watch. But it started to become beautiful the more I watched him.

This husband of mine prayed for strength and praised God for each and every accomplishment. He asked others...the brothers that had helped him celebrate that 40th birthday...to pray for him.  He asked for help and guidance of other Christian and believing men that had run the experience and course before him.  He took advise and compliments with grace and thankfulness.  He relied upon the four people in his house to give him encouragement and support. He didn't ever really run alone.

This past September, with tons of Gatorade and GU gels packed in our car, we headed to Tupelo, Mississippi. Michael was one of many that would run in the 2017 Labor Day weekend Tupelo Marathon where their slogan is "Trample the Weak, Hurdle the Dead".

He didn't trample or hurdle anyone, but he finished all 26.2 miles in just seconds over 5 hours. He ran solid and he ran strong. And I was beyond proud and more than moved.

Michael has taught me during his 40th year that first and foremost, God gets the glory for everything. If you can move your legs, praise Him. If you wake up with the ability to breathe much less run, praise Him. If He provides you with friends and family that support you, praise Him. If you have the ability to reach a goal, praise Him.

He also has taught me that there is no shame in asking for help, accepting advice, and admitting you don't always have it figured out. We can talk a big game, but you have to really accept God's gift of community and live it both ways to understand God's plan and reason for creating us for each other.  It is great to be the giver, but it is just as great to be the receiver.

Michael has taught me that it's going to hurt so bad at times, but you heal and recover and keep on going. It is so true that through the greatest weaknesses that us humans have, that is when God's greatest strengths show off. Never, ever throw in the towel. He makes all things new.

Lastly, Michael has taught me to go about things with patience and faith. He ran slow and steady and trained so patiently. He had faith in himself, in the running plan and process. But his greatest faith was in God.

Back in July of 2001, our dads used the following verse in our wedding ceremony...

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful."  II Timothy 4:7

This man has been my greatest joy at times. Every now and again he has been the source of much frustration. He has even created some hurt in my heart. But at the end of day, he is who I want to come home to. He is who I plan to grow old and wrinkly with. He has helped me realize that the hard stuff exists in every marriage and if both partners are willing to allow Him, the Father can make earthly marriage extraordinary, no matter what.

I am honored to fight the good fight alongside this fella. He is a pretty good battlefield partner to have at my side. His faith in the Father's forgiveness and providence keeps our family grounded. One day, I will be thankful to stand at the feet of our Savior at the end of the race knowing he encouraged me in many different ways all along the way. He will have helped me get there. I hope he can say the same about me.

Today, Michael turned 41.  We celebrated as he crossed the finish line of a half marathon over in nearby Franklin. I love watching this guy run the race...physically and spiritually.

Run Baby, Run

Sometimes I wonder if I am like most moms. The feelings I sometimes have...are they normal?

Overworked and every now and again taken for granted...unappreciated...overlooked...growing older ungracefully...a means to have food on the table, clean clothes in the closet, and a car ride to every practice and fun activity under the sun...the cheerleader that is rarely cheered for and the team player that isn't always applauded.

In the last few days I have been at my lowest with these.

Mom, get me here at this time...Mom, I need this washed by in the morning...We are having this for dinner?!?...Hey, I got another mark today...Can I go here...Can I do this...I forgot about this one assignment; it's due tomorrow...But, mom...Gymnastics, football, and cheer; all in one night.

I am about to tackle the insurmountable pile of laundry that is about spill out of the windows and doors of our house, and then the phone rings. "Mom, I forgot my lunch." When I return there is water all in the bathroom floor from a leaky shower. Dinner needs to be done before the end of school because it will be peddle to the metal the second Mr. Smith calls "The Thomas kids" over the cafeteria loud speaker. They come running to the Ford Explorer that then burns rubber out of the school parking lot. Dear Lord, please save me from the SRO or Officer House for another day.

Mommas, can I get an "amen"!? My hand is extended far into the air for all those virtual high fives coming my way. Please tell me I am not alone. As I climb up to the top of that mountain of laundry, I pray that I find myself surrounded by a band of sisters, all of us wanting the same thing...just to catch a break.

This past week and weekend I vowed it would end. I saw Michael and Myron off on a trip to cheer on their respective teams in "The Swamp". (#VFL) My Friday night was full of gymnastics and then coming home with pizza in hand, ready to gather all the necessities for a Saturday morning cross country meet. I worked hard to insure that when Saturday morning came, it would be a slow paced easy morning for a leisurely drive just twenty-five minutes away in Milton. I'd watch the kids run a race and then make my way back to the house to watch my beloved Volunteers take on the Gators, more than likely taking a Xanax during the fourth quarter. (That's humor, folks...just kidding.)

The Saturday morning alarm rang out in the master bedroom and I rolled out to wake the yawning little girls and call down the stairs to my thirteen year old sleeping giant. Toothbrushes found their way to three sets of teeth. Hair was brushed. And thank the Father above that three pairs of arm pits were lathered up with deodorant.

"Grab a granola bar and a banana. Don't forget a bottle of water."

"Jackson, do you have your socks? Shoes?"

"Sadie, do you have a few things packed to keep you occupied?"

"Okay, we are set...go jump in the car."

I smiled as my Nancy Caroline headed out the door with her bag on her shoulder, already packed from the night before for a morning of running in the sun on this Sepetember Saturday. She is the most organized eleven year old I have ever known. She puts me to shame in her administration skills. If  my head wasn't attached to my body...she would carry it around for me and know exactly where it was at all times.

We stopped at the local Co-Op and got the musts for runners...water, Gatorade, and MTSU chocolate milk. After all those drinks were iced down, we headed down Auburntown Road, signing along to the radio. I decided to slow ourselves down and enjoy the beauty of the Tennessee hills. The sun was bright and the sky was clear, void of any clouds. As I leisurely took the curves, I could breathe easy and my crazy mom-make-everyone's-life-happen-gotta-have-it-all-together anxiety was a distant memory.

Turns out this meet was in the middle of no where on a farm. We turned into the drive, which was the only way in or out of the massive parking set up, and I told my two middle schoolers to grab their belongings and shoes and get ready to jump out.

From right behind me I heard the tiniest gasp escape NC.

"Mom, I forgot my shoes on the carport. What am I going to do?"

For a brief moment there were the suggestions thrown around from her brother and sister. Maybe she shouldn't run today...she could borrow someone else's shoes...wearing boys' shoes was immediately taken off the table.

I pulled to a stop close to another Cannon County mom and rolled the window down. She graciously agreed to walk these two to the team tent. I gave the two middle school runners instructions to stay close to their team and told Sadie to sit tight.  With a bit of exasperation in my heart, I inched my way back out the crowded drive and hit the road back to Woodbury.

My foot was a little heavier this time. I had to be back to see the race and to make sure the feet of NC were clad with the familiarity of her Nike running shoes. I took the curves with speed and ease, thanks to my rural middle Tennessee upbringing. Sadie and I sat in silence and my mind was filled with the question any tired mom I am sure has when they are overworked and overlooked.

"Why me?"

I whispered it almost as a prayer. And in an instance the Father began to send the answer bubbling  over in my heart.

"Because I chose you. You are her mother. Never take for granted that she is still a child. And just like you she is imperfect. She is capable of forgetting things. This organized, got-her-junk-together child...she doesn't always have it together; she isn't suppose to. Be thankful she doesn't have it all together, all the time, because this allows her to understand my grace. Teach her that. You are her mother. I made you her mother on purpose."

The exasperation left my heart in an instance. The weight of motherhood and never ending responsibility was miraculously easy to bear.

If given the choice, I would never want anyone else to drive an extra hour to make sure Nancy Caroline had a pair of shoes to run a race. I am thankful and blessed to be her safety net, her answer to a problem, her go-to. That's my role. Nancy Caroline's Mom...that's my title; in fact, it's one of the three titles I carry.  And I am more than honored that God chose me to mother the three kids.

Sometimes us moms get lost in the mundane and lose sight of the real job God granted us with. If we want the world and the Church to look a bit different...maybe a lot different...I think God gave us that responsibility and opportunity to make that difference when he made us mothers. No one else is better equipped to teach future generations how to love relentlessly, serve unselfishly, and care for folks unconditionally. He is working on our hearts, ladies. He is molding us more and more in His image so the littles that we are raising can seek justice for the weak. So they can be better husbands and wives. So they can learn to stand with confidence and speak out when wrong is being easily accepted by others around them. He has made us their advocates and caregivers, so they can survive, grow, and be given the opportunities that maybe we weren't even granted when were we their ages.

So my fellow mommas, let's get to work with happiness and holiness in our hearts, showing our children the love that God intended us to show them.  Let's answer questions and give explanations with understanding and patience.  Let's tackle the hard topics, and put embarrassment and fear of failing aside.  Let's question when we think a school may not be making the best academic, emotional, and even social choices for our children. Let's advocate for our children, no matter the stares, the gossip, or the judgement. Let's put our phones down and pick our metaphorical or even literal Pom-poms up, cheering them on in whatever they have found talent and joy in doing.  Let's find ways to serve with our children right alongside us.   Let's challenge and pray for the daddies, the grandfathers, the uncles, the men in their lives to step up and become the emotional, love-seeking, and time-giving men who show up and let God show off in their actions and their words. Let's find the time to pray and study the word first...those two things can not play second fiddle to our own hobbies and self interests. We can not equip and teach these precious gifts we have been given  if we are not talking to the Father and listening to His word.

Father God, please let every word, every action, every thought be geared into how I can make this world a better place...even if that begins with the graciousness seen in spending a little extra time from my days grabbing a pair of running shoes and delivering them with a smile, a kiss, and a "run, baby, run."

God, forgive me, and make me a better momma.

The Alabaster Jar

For the past few weeks, my mind and heart have been fixated on the story found in Luke 7 of the woman with the alabaster jar of precious oil. I have read many different translations. I have studied the corresponding gospels. I have researched what the importance of these jars was and what made them so valuable.  Some think they were a huge part of the dowry of young engaged women. Others think that they were the livelihood of prostitutes during the days of the New Testament; their way of luring customers into their quarters.

The jars were made of a marble-type stone found in Egypt and later in Israel.  They usually held the finest of oils and perfumes. In order to keep these fine ointments from spilling or evaporating, these jars and containers did not just have a lid, but were sealed completely.  So the oil had to be a one time use. Once the jar was broken open, it's significance was gone. And whoever this great gift was given to or used for, was the object of the greatest affection and love.

I am writing the following from the woman's point of view in Luke 7. I can relate to this woman, no matter who she was, what season of life she was enduring, or what her profession had been. If we are honest, I think we all can. After all, we are all sinners.

What's your alabaster jar?

************************

Breathe deep.

His face, His laughter, His voice. His presence. It causes all breath to escape me. In a fleeting second I realize I must put forth effort to catch a breath in the same atmosphere in which He is existing.

I had to come. I had to see. The desire, the need that is causing this ache in my heart was greater than any custom or lack of invitation.

The ladies of the house place the food in front of these men, and with flippancy they begin to pass and break and dip without a hint of reverence. Do they not know with whom they sit around this meal? Pharisees and leaders in the temple, shouldn't they know the face of their Savior?

He doesn't seem to mind. He smiles, enjoying the nourishment, talking of His journeys and people He has met along the way.

A king deserves a greater gathering this. A golden goblet rather than that cup made out of pottery. The fatted calf. Cheese and wine.  The finest fruit. A throne rather than that uncomfortable pillow on the floor. Gifts and kisses.

I wonder how He was greeted and welcomed as He crossed the threshold.

The lack of honor and love is more than I can bear, but who am I? A sinner. Too great of a sinner to let my presence in these shadows be known. If it isn't one thing, then it has been another. My mind is constantly spinning webs and I feel tangled up in this life. I should go.

Oh but that weight in the pocket of my robe. There is my reminder. My alabaster jar. This is my chance.  The only way I can demonstrate my love and the surrender of the sins that have controlled me.

I am tired. I am lonely and afraid. I came here to see Him.  But much more than that, I came here to have freedom. To ask for my God to forgive me and cleanse me.  I came here to honor Him. To treat Him the way a King should be treated. It is up to me, the sinner.

As I push the curtains aside, I stand with the stain of my sin visible for all these men to see. For a moment, the room is an unfounded silent, and then the hush of whispers begin to burn my ears and pierce my heart. Their stares are like daggers. I can not do this. I have made such a mistake, just like so many I have made before.

He locks His eyes to mine and I can't help but put one foot in front of the other.  I have never spoken a word to Him in the flesh, but somehow I know He knows me. Tears begin to fill my eyes as I continue to look at only Him. The whispers leave my ears with each step I take closer to Him.

I reach Him and as I look down at Him sitting on the worn and tattered pillow around this table, I realize I am not where I am suppose to be. I drop to my knees and my face falls to His feet. Now I am home. My words have completely escaped me. I have never known a place so holy...so sacred...so humbling...so freeing.

My hand slides into my pocket and it brings out my offering. The alabaster stone shatters onto the floor with one fling of my wrist. The sound does not startle me, but brings a joy that is uncontrollable. My greatest possession is broken and it's fine contents begin to mingle with my tears, as it pours over and anoints my Lord's feet. This is my life, my livelihood, the only semblance of wealth that I have to my name...and now it is His. All that I have is His.

I realize I have had and have been nothing without Him. And now I know He is my everything.

The silence is broken. My heart stands still as one of the men calls out the title that I bear heavier than any criminal's cross. "Sinner!"  As I wipe His feet with my hair to dry the flood of tears, I hear the voice of my God, directed back at the man who threw the slur. His voice is still filled with patience, joy, and grace. In a moment when I want to spew fire at that Pharisee for calling out the pain of what I already know to be true, I learn from this Man. Only love and forgiveness is heard in His teaching.

Without hesitation and still not a word, I kiss His feet, and His direction turns to me. For a few moments the silence is again defeanening. Then, He praises me. His words are branded onto my heart and into my mind...

"I tell you, her sins-and they are many-are forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love."

He takes my face into His hands. He wipes the remainder of my tears away, and He fills my soul with a smile that heals the deepest wounds.

"Your sins are forgiven. Your faith has saved you. Go in peace, dear one."

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Mv2cO3-47Ys

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http://www. biblestudytools.com/dictionary/alabaster/
https://lindzcole.wordpress.com/2015/02/02/what-is-the-significance-of-the-alabastor-jar-in-Luke-737-38/
http://trivialdevotion.blogspot.com/2012/02/cost-of-alabaster.html

Grandmother

When I was a little girl, one of my favorite things was for my maternal grandparents to come visit at our house. They'd come and we would go to town, maybe get an ice cream cone or some candy at the local five and dime. The afternoon would slip away and my sister and I would find ourselves begging them to stay the night. That way the fun wouldn't have to end. The two of them would give their excuses and  load up their car.

Privately my big sister would whisper in my ear..."Start crying. They will stay."

So, I'd muster up the water works and stand in the door as they drove away.

Nine times out of ten they'd get to the head of the road and turn around and spend the night in the guest bedroom at 37 Sunnyview Lane.

I have often wondered over the years, which one caved first. Was it Grandaddy or Grandmother who decided the two little girls needed another night of fun? Who told who to turn around and head back down the street?

Tonight I pillow my head in a different world. As I kiss the three kids goodnight, I have a hard time finding words. My tears mix and mingle with their tears. Together we pray for comfort and peace and give thanksgiving.

Grandmother, the last of my four grandparents, fell asleep today with her last earthly breath.  My mother was by her side, just the two of them, which even though makes me sad, seems very fitting. I have never known a mother and daughter to be any closer. They were the best of friends...I know this because my grandmother had told me that on many occasions over the years. If I can care for my mother even half as well as she cared for my grandmother, I know the Father will be pleased. Their relationship was remarkable to witness.

The last couple of weeks have been difficult to watch. Grandmother took a fall and she spent the last days in a hospital and a nursing home. We spent time with her, caring for her, and loving on her. She was quiet much of the time, but we were able to have moments filled with memories and good talks. The last most coherent thing she said to me will always ring in my ears and stay on my heart...

"You are going to love your grandchildren."

She was one of those grandmothers that was the epitome of the word. She was lovable, wise, and comforting. When I was around her, even up until a few weeks ago, I always had the urge just to climb up in her lap and snuggle for a while. She always had a listening ear and knew just the right thing to say to make any situation seem easier.  When my husband became her grandson-in-law, he quickly learned the reputation Grandmother had and would say with confidence, "If Grandmother says it, it's gospel."

She was the hand to hold and the fun playmate that always said "yes" to the little girl who thought she could do no wrong. My favorite things as a child were to help her water flowers and make messes in her kitchen.  Grandmother saw me through the teenage years and the chaos of college. She watched as Michael and I walked down the aisle. She gave advice across the distance of an ocean and the long stretch of interstate between Highland and St. Louis. It didn't matter if it was as simple as how to make pickles or as difficult as how to navigate marriage...she always had the answer. She rooted me on as I became a mother three times over. She graciously and proudly loaned her name to my little Sadie Emogene.  Grandmother always loved bigger and better than anyone...that is just who she was...at least in my eyes.  She was my champion.

Tomorrow, fried apple pies won't taste the same. From now on I won't smell the mixture of peppermints, Wrigley's Doublemint gum, and White Diamonds. I know I will never be able to produce the perfect pickle. Every now and then I will go buy Russell Stover chocolates and smush every piece, finding the caramels but now leaving the coconuts. When I call my youngest by her full name in a moment of urgency, my heart just might skip a beat. Purple polka dotted dresses, dusters, and house shoes will always make me smile. Tomorrow, after thirty nine years...I will miss her so very much.

But I am so thankful. She has helped make me the woman that I am today. I credit her for my loyalty and love of family.  She helped mold me into the homemaker, wife, and mother that I am.  She instilled a work ethic in her girls that has proven valuable.  Grandmother's positive nature and fun disposition is one I hope to always model.

And there is always joy. She is healed now and she has no more pain. Even though we are left here and the emptiness of her absence hurts and saddens, knowing she has the ultimate joy lifts the burden.

I am not exactly sure how things go when one dies, but I'd like to think she has been reunited with my grandaddy. I'd like to think she is at her most favorite age of life, probably a young and beautiful wife... or maybe the younger grandmother with a mess in the kitchen and laughter in her heart. I can imagine he takes her by the hand and invites her to sit on their porch. She might look back for a moment...

"Bedford, don't you think they want us to stay? Shouldn't we stay just one more night? Look, Aletha is crying again."

I can hear him snicker, and maybe he feels the urge to give in, but he knows better. The radiant joy and extravagant love that surrounds her now assures them both that they don't won't to turn around now...no need to head back down the street...they'll just have to wait for the two little girls to join them later.

What a sleepover that will be!