A Letter to Jackson

So as most of you know, this blog is made up of my ramblings as an island-loving, mother of three beautiful and amazing kiddos. Lately, watching the three kids grow and experience some tough life lessons, has been not so easy. This is especially the case at the ages of Jackson and NC at the moment. So I took to writing them letters...letters that I am actually sharing with them, and they have agreed for me to share on this blog.

I know some of you moms are experiencing the same issues and feelings, so I thought it might help to hear another mom's take on how she is encouraging and equipping her children. By no means do I have it all figured out. But it takes a village, and I love hearing from others on how they parent, love, and lead.  Here is some advice I have for my son. And of course in the days to come, two more letters, addressed to my girls, are sure to follow.

I would love to hear the advice and words you share with your children.

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Dear Jackson,

I absolutely adore watching you grow. With every inch you grow taller, the more handsome I think you are.  When you spout out new knowledge your mind has taken in, I realize how intelligent you are becoming.

You had your back to me, walking down the hall at school the other day. You had been chosen to complete an important task for some of the teachers. At first I didn't realize it was you. I caught myself wondering, "Who is that tall, strong, good looking young man? These teachers must think he is pretty responsible."

Then I realized it was you...my little boy who isn't that little anymore.

When I held you almost twelve years ago for the first time, I was so overjoyed. For nine months, I didn't know if you were a boy or a girl. I spent almost every day driving back and forth to work; an hour both ways. One hundred twenty minutes talking to you, singing to you, and taking in every kick, hiccup, and wiggle.

I dreamed of the person you would become and what we would do together.  I had hopes of ice cream dates, laying on our backs in the back yard, and riding bikes. I prayed you would come to love and know God.

May 31, 2004. It was time to meet you. A very loud and boisterous nurse bellowed through the operating room...

"It's a boy, I see his parts!"

And before I knew it, the nurse had your little nose almost touching mine. You were screaming with life and that red hair looked like a flame on top of your little head.  I had finally met the one with who I had talked with and sang to for months.  The hiccups, wiggles, and kicks, they had a face now.  And I was in love, deeply, like nothing I had ever known.

That love continues to grow stronger and deeper. It amazes me. How can a love like this exist?! It's hard to believe, even though I am experiencing it.

When I hear you tell a joke, I think it's the funniest joke I have ever heard.  When I see you make a tackle on the football field, I just know you are the best player to ever put on a uniform. When you throw a pitch and I hear the ump yell "Strike!", I am certain you will make the big leagues.  When you bring home straight As on a report card, I know you are genius.

But I want you to know something...

You are more than a comedian. You are more than a football player. You are more than a baseball pitcher.  You are more than a good student.  You are more.

Jackson, I never could have imagined all the qualities God was going to place so perfectly in your personality.  The things that make you, you...those things can't be taught to someone. The way you care for others, it comes natural to you. The words of encouragement to fellow team mates, those are effortless for you, they just fall off your tongue without hesitation. You love people so well.  It makes it impossible for others not to love you. Your courage to stand up for what is right, no matter what, is a task that you make look easy, and so many of us admire that.

Your determination is inspiring.  Your little voice has struggled with the "hiccup" of being disfluent since you were three years old.  There have been the brief moments that you have expressed your frustration to me about  it, but it's been rare.  You never shy away from speaking to larger crowds, praying in public, taking the lead in class discussions, reading scripture in worship settings, or telling a funny story to a group of adults. You don't only not shy away from it, you enthusiastically volunteer for it. There have been a few times that I have witnessed you struggle to get your words out and your point across. But you never, ever quit or give up. I admire this about you so much, and as your mother, I am thankful for your attitude when you meet adversity.

You are growing up in a society that has the definition of a "real man" all screwed up. Jackson, there are things that you will see that don't need to be seen. There will be things your friends will say and you will hear that do not need to be said or heard. Jokes will be told that shouldn't be, and then laughter will be had that doesn't glorify God and may be at the sake of someone else's happiness.

You will be tempted. You will be tested. You will struggle.

I pray for your eyes. And I pray for the images that may be left in your mind. I pray for your ears, and the echoes that may ring in your ears for years to come. I pray that you will have a strong will not to laugh when everyone else does. I pray for the temptations that will find their way to you. I pray for the trials and tests you will endure. I pray for your struggles.

A "real man" isn't found in looking at inappropriate things and crossing lines. A "real man" isn't found in unattractive "grown up" words and dirty jokes and slandering of others.

First and foremost, a real man loves God. It is more courageous to love someone you can not see or touch, to have a Faith that isn't built on sight but on a knowledge and a greater Hope than of things on this earth.  As Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes , everything here on earth is meaningless, every bit of it. At the end of this book, he writes this...

"That's the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey His commands, for this is the sole responsibility of every man."

This came from the wisest, richest man of His time. And even though God granted his request of discernment and made him great, his wisdom and knowledge could never be complete. Solomon never knew Christ. Jesus brings complete wisdom and knowledge...go read Colossians 2:2-3.

A real man knows Jesus Christ, who provides perfect wisdom and knowledge. I am thankful you know Christ and that He is your Savior.

A real man, a gentleman, is respectful. He is respectful to others...his parents, his siblings, his elders, his friends, and even to strangers, and even still to his enemies. A real man loves others and puts them above himself. He loves them with his words, his actions, and his intentions. He loves them to their faces, and he loves them behind their backs.

He respects and loves the people he knows now and the people he will know in the future. Jackson, I am talking about...be still my heart...your future wife and your future children. That's a long way off, a LONG way off, but I promise the things you do now, and in the years through high school and college, will affect your relationship with them. Don't just think about the present, the current moment, but think and pray on your future. I already pray about this and will continue to do so.

Respect and love yourself. This is a huge quality for a gentleman. Never allow anyone to treat you badly or belittle you. You are amazing!  In the first chapter of James, we are told that out of all creation, we are God's prized possession.  Take care of yourself. Don't ever think some man made drug or chemical can make you feel better. Don't clutter your brain with useless, harmful things. Love yourself enough to fill your body with things that are good and pure, mentally and physically.

A real man is determined, hard working, and encouraging.  He sets goals and works hard to achieve them.  I don't care if you decide to be a doctor like your dad, a teacher like me, a big time lawyer or engineer, a cook or a chef, a policeman, or anything in between or beyond. I will love you and love what you do no matter what.  All I ask is this...Once you decide, go at it with all you have and never stop learning how to make yourself better at your job and at life.

So simply put...

Love God.
Love Others.
Love Yourself.

And know this...you will mess up. And that is ok. You are not perfect. You are not suppose to be. And just so you know, I am not perfect either. When you mess up, it's going to hurt. It will hurt you, and in most cases, it's going to hurt others that you love very much. But there are two things you are assured of during these "mess ups"...

1. God loves you and nothing can change that love He has for you. He extends forgiveness. It's your job to accept it. He keeps no record of wrong.

2. I am not going any where. I love you no matter what, but will speak truth to you and hold you accountable to the things that you know are true and good. My love for you is unconditional.

I love to read the story of Jesus and these days my mind focuses a lot on Mary, his mother. Two different times, we are given a beautiful glimpse of her inner being as a mother. Very simply put, scripture tells us..."And Mary stored up and pondered these things in her heart."

Jackson, I can relate to this. Since that day that our noses touched for the very first time, I have stored things up in my heart and my mind replays them over and over.

Your first steps. Your first words. Playing at the park with you. Riding in the back of your little green gator around the back yard. Your first home run. The first time you brought me flowers. The way you would say, "I loves you too, Momma." Your first day of school. Laughing with you on the beach on Dauphin Island. Hiking Mt. Scenery on Saba with you. Your baptism.

Each moment is stored up. I think on them and they bring me more joy than you will ever know. I will continue to store things up and I love watching you grow, change, and live life. Not only because you are mine, but because you live life beautifully. I am more than blessed to know you and that God allows you to call me "Mom".

I love you,
Mom

Four Little Words

I love you.

Three little words that mean so much to so many.

However, to some, these words don't mean much.

Growing up, I heard them often.  These three words fell very easily from the lips of my parents.  As they dropped me off at school, read fairy tales and bible stories to me, and as they tucked the blankets tight around me just before I drifted off to sleep, these words were repeated. 

I love you.

As I grew, I noticed other words they added to this phrase to make sure I got the picture. 

Very much.

So much.

I will always...

Nothing can change that.

...and I am so proud of you.

And I can honestly say that these words were accompanied by actions.  They provided. The two of them spent time with me. My mother took me shopping. My dad let me help him on the farm. They sat at summer softball games, help me pack my bags for church camp, cheered me on at band competitions, and supported me when I ran for various leadership positions. 

I continue to hear and feel these words today. Though the voices that continue to speak them now sound a bit older, I still feel like the little girl who found unbelievable comfort and joy each time the words and actions let me know that I was sincerely and deeply loved. My mom and dad continue to sincerely and deeply love me.

But perhaps, there has been a little saying that has come to mean even a bit more to me over the years from these two.  The phrase is one that they only use between the two of them. I have heard them verbally speak the words to the other. I have seen it written in birthday cards and on notes attached to Christmas packages they exchange. I have seen it grace the card my dad puts in my mom's Valentine roses. I have found it written between them on bathroom mirrors and on napkins and on scraps of paper.

I just love you.

Ok, so I first I didn't get it.  I would think...

"Really? You JUST love her/him? That sounds so simple and flippant! Scream it from the rooftops, daddy. Jump up and down, mom. Get with it, you more than JUST love each other!"

But in the last few years, it's all beginning to make sense to me.  Since hearing and seeing them exchange it this past holiday season, it has stuck with me.  It's been swirling around in my mind.

It is that simple. There are no strings attached. My mom doesn't have to cook the dinner every night to be loved.  My dad can get a little touchy and say the wrong thing and still be loved. They can have different opinions and still sit down on the couch and love the person with who they share their popcorn. They can make mistakes. They can be imperfect. They are still just loved. 

Love should not be dependent on a set of given actions.  For that matter love should not be dependent on any action at all.  We should love because that is just what we are called to do. 

Jesus didn't love the woman at the well because she had a pristine past and gave him a drink of water.  He didn't love Peter because he was cool and even tempered.  Jesus didn't love the poor and sick because he felt sorry for them. He didn't love Zacchaeus because he was tall and good looking. Jesus didn't love Mary because she sat at his feet, and he didn't love Martha because she kept her house clean and baked a casserole. He didn't love Caiaphas because he was loved in return. 

He just loved them. That is what he was sent to do.

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."

John 15:13

And that is what we are called to do.  We are to just love others. 

Not because they are awesome at loving us back. Not because they cook our meals, buy us cool clothes, and invite us into their homes. Not because they follow the same path in life that we follow. Not because they agree with us and belong to a certain group. Not because they are our family members, friends, or spouses. 

We are to love them, JUST because.

"But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back."  Luke 6:35

In our churches we have to stop insisting that folks start looking like us, thinking exactly like us, and acting like us before we let them through our doors, on our pews, and in our circles. We must love them exactly where they are at.  And we must continue to just love them, no matter the outcome.  

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins." 

I Peter 4:8

I heard something along these lines from a speaker the other day..."A faith based and built on love will never win others over through actions of dislike and hate."

Love shouldn't have limitations and expectations. It should be filled with grace and mercy. 

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God."

I John 4:7

I have been asking God a lot lately to help me see things more clearly.  I sat down on the carpet in my living room the other day and pretty much pleaded to be given some answers, and make it fast. I need a solution. A way to fill the holes the world seems to leave in me as I pillow my head at night. My heart doesn't need to be so lonely. 

That's when my mind takes me back to Christmas, watching my parents open presents and read cards. I see the two of them smile and look at each other. I hear my dad's voice, full of genuine care, joy, and companionship...

I just love you.

That is my Heavenly Father. No doubt. He put that memory in my mind and these things on my heart this week in order for me to hear Him loud and clear.

I am just loved.

Live Life On Purpose

So it's been a long while. Duly noted. Now...

This past week was a tough one. I was grumpy, easily irritated, and uncomfortable in my own skin. My words were sharp, my emotions were worn on my face, and my actions were dulled and lacked any resemblance of joy.

The people in my home were the ones that caught the brunt of it. I was silent on drives to ballgames and practices. My voice got a little too loud at times. The little patience I did have was very thin.

As I began to realize I needed an attitude check, I started to try to figure out why I was in such a dark place. At first it was hard to put a finger on it. Maybe it was the kids schedule. Three ball teams between them, gymnastics, tutoring sessions, cheer tryouts, guitar lessons...my mind couldn't keep up with our calendar.  Maybe it was the stash of dirty laundry that was beginning to resemble Mt. Everest in my laundry room.  Maybe it was the actions of other people I could blame it on. The root canal didn't help much on Thursday. I didn't have time for that!

After sitting in the funk for a bit, trying to make sense of it all, I began to feel so very much alone. Nobody understood. When I spoke, I was rambling. And the folks I did talk to about things, couldn't make sense of it either it didn't seem. So I started to realize, I was in this dark place all by myself.

Wrong, so very wrong...

Satan was there. He had manipulated every situation, every thought, every word. He had twisted my thoughts with doubt, loneliness, and sadness. He planted the seeds of failure, chaos, and selfishness.  He pushed every button at exactly the perfect time. There isn't an ounce of good in him, but as a good friend pointed out to me this week, he is very good at his job.

So he had me convinced, I was in my dark and lonely place and I had to go it alone.

On Sunday morning, I woke up early.  I made that cup of coffee that I am dependent upon and began to wake up the three kids. One by one, I kissed their heads, rolled them out of bed, and picked out their "Sundy-go-to-meeting" clothes.  The girls and I, along with my oldest "son", Myron, loaded up and headed to worship in Murfreesboro. Sadie had a gymnastics meet just after church making things a bit different from every other Sunday.

We filed into our seats and began to take in the worship. As we sat down for the message, I was eager to hear what this minister, who I had heard rave reviews of, had to say.  His first few statements had me hooked...

"Being a Christian is being in a relationship. A relationship with God, growing in an intimacy and understanding of Jesus.  Therefore growing in deeper relationships with others. We are to be intentional with our church family, our friends, our children, our spouses, and those we come in contact with. We should live life on purpose."

I am a Christian.

Therefore I am in a relationship.

A relationship means I am not alone.

My relationship with Christ should reflect in every other relationship God has blessed me with.

Live life on purpose.

We left that worship setting, we grabbed lunch, and cheered Sadie on in her meet.  And I felt a little more alive, not so dark.

After Sadie snagged first place in the overall events...proud mom!...I rushed home to prepare dinner and ready our house for twenty five of my favorite people. It was Saba Spring Break reunion. I was ready to see these people, hug their necks, and properly thank them for their love and service...but a lot had to be done! Tacos to make, dishes to wash, a house to tidy up, the list went on.

To my surprise, I walked into a house taken over by my friends, the Sprys...Jill Momma, Lana, and Carly.  The smell of cookies filled the air, the dishwasher had been emptied, my favorite wall flowers were plugged in to take away the stench of ball equipment and dirty laundry. I was met with, "What needs to be done next?". They chopped peppers, trimmed flowers for the table, cleaned counters. These three ladies loved me through service, spending time with me, working along side me, sharing in conversation, and making me laugh.  Then our friends Rachel and Jeffery showed up, frying corn tortillas and adding even more joy and laughter into a house that had been much quieter in the previous few days.

One by one the team members arrived, each with a huge hug and a beautiful smile. As the back door opened cheers erupted as friends were reunited.  It was loud. It was joy. It was contagious.  We ate together, we caught up on life, and did I mention we laughed...a lot!

We are a group of Christians.

We are in a relationship.

We are not alone.

Our individual relationships with Christ are truly reflected in how we are living our relationships with each other.

We are living life together, on purpose.

As we huddled in the Thomas family living room, I took my turn at thanking each of them for serving Saba and loving so well.  We honored our student leaders, Steven and John.  I reminded them they are all always welcome in our home, just not only in our house.

Then Michael talked. He thanked them. He thanked them for telling their stories on Saba, and then he told a bit of his own. He gave some advice from his experiences. I know how much of him this took and I was moved.

As he started to pray, one of the fellas on the team, Jacob, stopped him. He began to say his own thanksgiving in a way that I will never forget.  He had written each of us a note of thanks.  Twenty eight notes! He told us that if any one of us had not been on this team or a part of this trip, his life would not be the same. He had learned something from each individual and he was forever changed. God created us for community. And we were not alone.

As he spoke these words, my heart felt so full and my eyes began to fill with tears. God is so good. I needed these words. I needed these people. My dark and lonely place satan had orchestrated in the most simple but cunning ways had been destroyed. It had been destroyed through the message a minister shared. It was destroyed by laughter and happiness shared while cooking a meal and cleaning a house with friends. It was destroyed by the loud chatter, contagious joy, and Jesus filled banter between 29 folks that hadn't all been together since March 20.  It had been destroyed by the sweet and kind and thoughtful  words of a fellow mission team member.

It was destroyed because of Jesus, who lived life on purpose.  That's my "I will" today...I will live life on purpose.

What is this going to look like? What does this mean?

It means every action will be drenched with intention. I will listen to my friend to do just that...to listen and not be distracted by the craziness in my head of where I have to be and what I have to be doing.  It means I will get up early and fight the urge to hit the snooze button in order to talk to my Father and listen to Him as I read His word. I will go eat a school lunch with my kids, or with someone else's kid that needs the extra attention. I will show grace to the cashier that messes up my change or the slow driver that won't get in the right lane. When a family member or friend or stranger needs help, I will go. It means I will seek out those who need me, and those that I need. I will pour myself into them with every given opportunity. I will slow down. I will be present. I will love like Jesus loves.

That's what it means to me. Living life on purpose. What does it mean to you?