#7...A Teacher and A Mother

In April of 1999, I was a student at Tennessee Tech University majoring in Human Ecology with a concentration in Family and Consumer Sciences Education. Ever since I could remember I had wanted to be a teacher, an educator. In high school I had found my niche in Family and Consumer Sciences (Home Ec for all you old schoolers). So, it was with great excitement I started my first practicum in an area high school that Spring semester.

Then two teenagers walked into Columbine High School in Colorado wearing trench coats, with guns and make shift bombs. They killed 13 classmates and teachers, and then themselves.

My excitement turned to fear. My dream turned to doubt. And my mentality of giving every student a fair shake turned into skepticism. I can still remember the anxiety that I felt in the pit of my stomach as I would park my car and walk into the doors of the given high school.

"What have I done? What have I gotten myself into? Do I really want to be a teacher? I didn't sign up to be in a war zone?"

It was an internal struggle as to what to do and how to come to terms with the profession I had chosen. I can remember sleepless nights, anxiety and stress, and longs talks with my parents. Somehow and in some way I know I came to terms with all those feelings and found peace, because the end result was a good grade in the practicum and a year later a degree and a good score on the Praxis. I became a teacher.

The media swarmed the story. For months every time you turned on the television you heard the discussion about what needed to be done and what things needed to change. Parents expressed fears. Children wept. Inspiring stories of faith and heroism were told, but were overshadowed by the issue that no one had ever seen coming. The reality of what had happened still seemed like the unimaginable. Politicians debated gun control laws. The media pointed fingers.  Debates were plentiful. Decisions were few.

Fast forward...almost nineteen years later. History repeats itself.

On February 14, 2018, I am once again a teacher. But this time when 17 are murdered in a Florida high school, I am more than a teacher.

I am a mother.

As I carry that title, I can not begin to explain the feelings I have. The anxiety is stifling. The fear is greater than any fear I have ever had for myself. The questions go beyond decisions I have made for myself.

"How do I protect them? How do I prepare them? How do I explain the unexplainable?"

I feel like I should write a book about how I feel when I leave for work, sending the three kids in an opposite direction for a day that I hope and pray is filled only with safety, peace, and learning, as it is supposed to be. But for the life of me I can't begin to explain how I feel.  It's complex, heart breaking, and way too emotional. I can not imagine being in the shoes of the parents that are now void of the laughter of one of their children. I mourn with them and for them. 

To put it extremely simple...I want to come home. I want them to come home. Everyday.

The one thing that I know for certain is this...

"Where God's love is, there is no fear, because God's perfect love takes away fear. It is punishment that makes a person fear. So love is not made perfect in the person who has fear."

1 John 4:18

Last night around the Thomas family dinner table, there were questions. Our two oldest had thoughts and feelings and needed some answers. And then from our youngest came something different...tears.

My free spirited little third grader. She should be able to stay that way; free spirited, worry free, filled with joy. She should be able to get in line order and visit her school library without a second thought. She should be able to roll down the hill at recess, laughing without hesitation. She should be growing and learning uninhibited by the thought of someone shooting in her school or any school in her country.

Another emotion rises hot and high in this mother...anger.

Some folks will say that the problem started when God was taken out of school. That the separation of church and state is the problem. Many say that when prayer was taken out of the classroom, removed from the ball field, and silenced at graduations, that is when the problem started. 

No law or amendment took God out of school. He wasn't removed. Prayers can not be silenced by any human. No government or judge or president can separate God from anything. His presence is in the corner of every classroom. He walks the halls in every school, private or public, elementary or secondary. He hears the prayers of the students at lunch when human ears can't. He is in every locker room, on every ball field, and in every principal's office.

God wasn't removed from schools. That isn't the problem. We started ignoring Him. That is the problem.

When He is ignored chaos ensues. What does the chaos look like? Teachers that only teach to test scores.  Parents that give excuses, too afraid to be more than the child's friend.  Principal's who are worried more about being "fair" than being just. Students that do not know how to take responsibility or how to be kind. No one knows how to effectively communicate. They only know how to shout and yell and argue. Relationship doesn't exist...it is a distant memory.

But there are people; teachers, students, staff, and parents; that do not ignore Him. And as long as those people are walking the halls of our schools, He is very much present. With those teachers at the white boards, with those staff members at watch, with those parents supporting from home and volunteering, and with those students seated in the desks...His love is there, perfect without fear. 

So that is the only thing their father and I knew to share with them...

"There is no fear in perfect love. Do not fear because He has overcome the world. You know His love; you feel it in your hearts...it's moving through your souls...it's seen in your smiles...it's heard in your kind words...and it felt in your loving actions. He is with you all day, every day. And with Him you can have a peace that the world can never understand. You know His love; you understand it; show it to the world. And have no fear because of His love."

Once again, we as a nation, and even some of our neighbors, are shouting and debating about what should be done about gun control and other things that we are linking to these horrific crimes. There is a lot of talk...but not a lot of change and action. Are we even talking about the things that matter and will make a difference? I am not here to join in the debate. Sometimes I think if we stopped arguing and just did all the things that folks put out on the table; that if we just do it all, that it may just be enough. Because at what cost are we willing to keep arguing? The cost has already been far too great for the parents and families that have lost children and loved ones. I know I would give up anything and change my life in any way to insure my children, and all American children, could go to school with safety, security, and peace.

Just do it all. As my friend Amber said in the past week, "Whatever it takes." We need the same safety that can now be felt in airports and at arenas. Laws need to be made.  Our children need the security of an education free from worry of injury and death. Some things need to and have to change. We need to be better. Columbine High to Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School...19 years and multiple school shootings in between. We should have already been better by now.

Above all, stop ignoring the only One that can drive out the fear.

"I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble. But be brave! I have overcome the world!"

John 16:33