"The Forgotten Speech"

My morning drive to work goes one of two ways these days: Completely silent or non stop chatter and laughter.  Jackson is either 100% awake and ready to visit or he is 100% asleep, catching thirty minutes of additional sleep.

This morning we hadn't as much turned off of Houston Lane when sheer panic filled the car.

"The speech! I forgot about the speech!"

I could hear the anxiety and fear in the 14 year old's voice. The same feelings begin to arise in me, knowing there wouldn't be an easy fix to an assignment that would challenge his disfluency.

I eased into the conversation in order to calm and to figure out exactly in which class he had to give what speech.

Very quickly the confusion and excitement eased. It really wasn't a speech...it was a talk...a devotional thought...for FCA leadership's morning meeting. Jackson is a member of a small group that has been meeting every Tuesday morning since late August. These students are in charge of  FCA meetings and activities. They pray, plan, and live life together. It's pretty cool to witness, especially in a public school.

I gave my best cool mom motivational encouragement...

"Oh dude, you got this!"

These talks...aka "the speeches"...are brief and to the point.  This would be Jackson's second one to give this year. Most of the kids have picked a verse or two from scripture and just share what it means to them.  So that's the direction our morning drive conversation went...no additional sleep this AM...just a mom and son throwing around thoughts about scripture.

"I will open the bible app..."

"No no, make it easier than that. What's the first scripture that comes to your mind?"

"John 3:16."

"Okay, let's not make it that easy."

Short silence.

"Oh I got one! Galatians 6:10!"

"Help a mom out. I don't know that one from memory."

"Can I open my bible app now?"

We both chuckle.

Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone - especially to those in the family of faith.

Galatians 6:10

Jackson described this as his "go to" verse. I loved listening as he talked through how simple and easy this scripture should be for us. And then together, we broke it down.

Whenever we have the opportunity...When is whenever? Whenever happens all the time.  And opportunities don't have to be what we see as big. The little ones are just as important. They just require us to open our eyes and be alert. 

We should do good...Again, think small.  Say good morning. Open the door. Walk with someone to class. Use good manners. Throw away someone's lunch tray. Smile.

To everyone...This is a long list, but it covers them all. Our friends. Our family. The people we like and think are cool. The people that creep us out. Our enemies.

Especially...Hey pay attention!

To those in the family of faith...The folks that believe in the same Jesus as we do. The ones we are on the same team with. Being good to them should be a given, but not so much sometimes.  We can be pretty hard on each other. And that is bad. Do good to them...help them out...love them big.

After the thirty minute drive to Watertown High School, Jackson hopped out of the car and started toward the building to begin his school day. We were running a couple of minutes late and he had to hustle to FCA leadership. He rang the bell and then held the door for his momma. As he walked through the door he high-fived a good friend and called her by a nick name he has given her. It brought a smile to her face. He greeted the school secretary with a cheerful, "Good morning, Ms. Angie!", as he flashed her a big smile. I watched as he bounded up the stairs and then he disappeared into the meeting room to share his "speech" for which he had forgotten to prepare.

As I watched him I couldn't help but think that I need to be more like him. See, he really had prepared, because the kid lives out Galatians 6:10 every day. Of course it's his "go to" ...it's just what he does...it's just who he is. And to know him is a blessing and to mother him and his sisters is the greatest gift.

All the time, do good, to all people.

The gospel according to Jackson.

Our Marriage Didn't Need Counseling

I can remember the first time that I ever thought my husband and I needed someone to talk to about our marriage.

Even now I won't say the correct title...I sugar coat it with the thoughts of who may read this.

A marriage counselor.

Why is it that we put stigmas on certain words, titles, and roles? Why do we allow assumptions to take over and turn into truth?

I remember the first time I thought we needed to see a marriage counselor.

We stood in the tiniest of apartments with whitewashed walls and make shift furniture. Our couch was really a twin bed that sat longways against the wall.  The kitchen could not have been more than five feet by five feet. The bathroom was even smaller and allowed no room for privacy.  The Caribbean sea breezes gave cause for open windows.

As our voices elevated there was no doubt in my mind that our neighbors heard it all.  I felt embarrassed and ashamed and scared. Heap on top of that the expectation of easy Christian marriage I had coming into this union, and the confusion of the reality was at the least heavy on my heart.

"I think we may need to go talk to someone; don't you?"

When I spoke the words to the man standing across the floor from me, he scoffed and I easily retreated, feeling weak and telling myself that I was overreacting.  Maybe I had just said it to strike a nerve and make a point. 

We never really came to a healthy conclusion that night or the day after. The two of us just eventually got in a better humor with one another. Then the newlywed infatuation of the first two years of marriage took back over and things were blissful.

Until there was another night with a misunderstanding, open windows, and thin white washed walls.

I would continue to have the thought on occasion of needing a counselor.  The fear of what that would look like to others and thinking he thought it was crazy, kept me from uttering the words again. After all, we were just like everyone else, right? 

***

We did a good job at keeping that little apartment clean. We cleaned the sinks and the toilets and dusted the few pieces of real furniture that we claimed as ours. We washed the sea salt off the windows and wiped down the walls with bleach. The kitchen stayed pretty much spotless and bathroom smelled fresh.

And we were awesome at sweeping.

We swept everything under the rug.

All of it. The disagreements, the anger, the loud voices, and certainly the thought that we might need some professional help with our marriage.

In reality there wasn't that much to sweep, anyway. It was hidden quite well under the rug.

***

Fast forward.

An island, three kids, many major life events, 6 apartments or houses, a few cars, a couple jobs, three churches, and a residency later...

We still loved to sweep.  And as life went on, there certainly was more and more to sweep.

Then one night we find ourselves face down, beat up and bruised, lying on the floor. Why you ask? Because when you sweep enough stuff, little by little even, under your preverbial rug...there isn't much else to do than to trip over the huge lump in the rug you have made for yourself and your mate.

This time I sat on a couch. This time it's a real one and we actually own it. The two of us set in an awkward silence as the three kids have pillowed their heads and are fast asleep down a long hall way in their respective rooms.

We knew a few things for certain that night.

1. Most of those on the outside of the walls that surround us see us as "the perfect couple".  They think we have it made. He is so good to her and she is so supportive and good to him. That is what most think.

2. Those people are wrong.

3. We needed a marriage counselor.

This time it wasn't posed as a question to the fellow I had married. I am ashamed to say that it was in the form of an ultimatum. I spewed it out of my mouth breaking the silence. It was drenched in anger, resentment, and a bit of fear, along with many tears.

I didn't care if it cost a lot of money. I didn't care if everything was let out to dry. I didn't care if I had to carry half the blame. I didn't care if it appeared we didn't actually have time for it with our crazy hectic schedules. I didn't care if either one of us was uncomfortable or embarrassed or stubborn. 

A week later I sat on another couch. What is it with me and couches?  We had driven an hour away from home for the need we both felt for privacy. There in a little room in Brentwood my husband and I began to pull up the rug and the dust and dirt went flying. A marriage counselor began to help us clean it up.

***

That was nine years ago.

There are a few names that I speak in my prayers every single day. The name of our marriage counselor, Dr. H,  is one of them. 

Counselors don't fix marriages. God does. He just uses them as a means to His method.

How do I know this?  Because my marriage today...

It's nothing short of a miracle. 

I like Michael and I am pretty sure he likes me. And it in no way is a "fake" like.  He is my favorite person to do things with in life. The arguments are occasional. And when they happen we can navigate through them, and the next day we are not nursing the wounds selfishly and silently. We overlook and laugh at silly mistakes. It takes a whole lot for us to offend one another. Imperfections make us unique and are celebrated instead of criticized. Apologies are extended easily, when needed, and are accepted gracefully. 

We know and agree that we must keep three things in mind...

1. We are a work in progress.

2. Priorities are as follows...Jesus. Each other. Then the three kids.

3. Upkeep is key. We still see Dr. H almost monthly.

***

Infatuation and the whirlwind romance of courtship and engagement and a wedding and the first couple years of wedded bliss...All of that is exciting and fun and thrilling. But when the calm, or maybe we should say craziness, of real married life sets in, it's life changing. 

It usually is great for a while.

All the things one never noticed about the other begin to surface. Human nature takes over and criticism comes easy. Criticism turns into nagging and nagging...it can just get plain nasty.

The circle of life has to continue on...in the same fashion as it always has in the culture in which you live and have been raised. So in the case of the bible belted southern United States, you start having babies. Cause you know, adding children to the mix will make it all lovely and beautiful and easier. I am going to insert a very sarcastic eye roll here, which will surprise a few of my closest friends.

Priorities get all out of whack. Little people come before the big person you chose. The demands of work and providing collide with the daunting task of everyday parenthood. Words become few. Dates become extent.  You start keeping score. It isn't bad, but it isn't great...it's okay.  It's transactional at best.

Satan sits down to feast on the transactions.

He creates situations of doubt. He puts the fear of the unknown in and mingles that with the stigma so many put on counseling. He tells you that everyone else needs it...but not you.

*** 

I can remember Michael and I coming to a conclusion one day in a session with our Dr. H that we at one time felt like we had something extraordinary. Some where along the way we had silently decided that ordinary was what we were going to settle for. That wasn't okay...with either of us or with God. Extraordinary was what we knew God intended.  And it's what we wanted.

If you turn away from what us humans have settled for and open your eyes to what He made marriage for...then the only end result would be extraordinary.

But we didn't have a clue how to get there from here.

Sometimes you need to lay your pride down and admit you don't know it all.  It's a sign of wisdom and maturity to ask for help. Marriage...even Christian marriage...isn't as easy as television and movies, fairytales, and maybe even your parents made it look.  Mediation is a beautiful thing. It isn't someone telling you how to live and manage your marriage. It isn't someone telling you all the things that you have done or are doing are wrong. 

It's more like deciding with your teammate the direction you want to go, the goals you want to accomplish, and then having a coach lead you to a championship. But hey, there are going to be losses along the way. Injuries are bound to happen. Teammates don't always get along and see eye to eye.  A coach is needed to guide and redirect.  Sometimes he might change the game plan totally. Healing will have to take place and grace has to be extended...to your teammate and to yourself. And conditioning...you must have conditioning.

If you have ever thought that you may need marriage counseling...If your spouse has ever mentioned it...If you ever have said you don't need marriage counseling...If it's just ordinary...If you look at "the perfect couple" and think they have it made...If the weight of "being the perfect couple" is too heavy to bear and you know it's fake...If communication is tough...If you argue a little or a lot...If life is too crazy to talk or to date...If you are just making the transactions...

Try marriage counseling. If it doesn't fit the first time, try a different counselor. Coaches sometimes have to be fired, you know. 

Trade in the ordinary for extraordinary. 

I promise you will be glad you did.

You just might find your own miracle.

Pardon the Interruption

Bob Goff is a really cool dude in my book. I am still excited that I got the chance to meet him just a few days ago. He is the author of two best selling books; Love Does and Everybody Always.  In the back of each book, he lists his phone number. One of my good friends thought it'd be fun to call him just to see what would happen. So she called him one evening. And he energetically answered with, "Hey, this is Bob."  He explains he does this almost every time and he loves it! Bob lives life like that...loving the interruptions.

I think we can all agree, Bob is definitely not the norm.

Interruptions. As small as someone butting into your conversation or the story you were telling.  As big as life taking an unexpected turn that throws you for a loop into a downward spiral.

Interruptions. They are frustrating and irritating.  They distract and annoy. They can cause anger and resentment. They can come in the form of text messages, knocks at the door, or phone calls.  They can also be much bigger...broken relationships, sickness, or death.

When someone asks us Christ followers who our role model is, we should without hesitation say Christ every time. Right? We should, but we don't. We are just too human and we tend to forget that he was human, too. He was the greatest story teller. He was the greatest friend. He was the greatest shepherd. He was the greatest listener. He was the greatest teacher. Why?

One of the main reasons in my opinion is that He loved and embraced the interruptions.

Jesus went to a wedding one time. He liked to celebrate and have a good time at things such as this just like us.  But his mom knew just who to ask for help when then party runs out of wine. Jesus stepped up to the task even in the middle of a celebration.

He got thirsty one day on one of his long trips and stopped at a well. Jesus met a woman and ends up quenching her thirst instead of his own.

One time Jesus was walking down the road, passing through, and saw a man up in a tree. He realizes that the little dude must need something so he stopped and talked to him. Jesus changed his plans and eats dinner at the guy's house.

Jesus was on his way to a buddy's house to heal his daughter and as he is trying to make his way through a big crowd of people, somebody grabs his coat. Startled, he turns around to see a pretty sick woman who nobody wanted to help. So he stops and heals her.

Another time, Jesus was preaching to a bunch of grown ups.  All these little kids start running up to him so they can be blessed. His cohorts step in and scold the little ones, shooing them away. Jesus stops everything and invites the children to come to him, gathering as many as possible up on his lap I am sure.

Speaking of his cohorts...those apostles crack me up. Look at all those times where they had to question their leader, ask a favor, or get an explanation. They even interrupted his prayer time with their inability to stay awake! And what did Christ do...answered, explained, and prayed. He ended up even washing their feet during supper. I bet his food got cold.

I could keep going, but I think we get the picture. Jesus...a man who loved through the interruptions. He didn't see them as nuisances and irritants...he saw them as opportunities and blessings. The interruptions were his chances to show how God in the flesh loved the people he came to not only save but to serve. He allowed the interruptions in is life to be full of love and grace, to bring joy and mercy, and to yield service, not legalistic duty.

Making Jesus our role model. Welcoming the interruption instead of pardoning it. Taking the opportunity to love, serve, and forgive.

I am thinking Bob Goff might be on to something.

I am pretty sure if Jesus had lived in the days of cell phones he'd answer his every time, too.

You Don't Have to Like Everybody

I love Italian food. Specifically pasta. But I don't get to indulge very often in this cuisine. There are two reason why...

1. Carbohydrates.

2. My husband doesn't eat carbohydrate filled pasta.

Cooking for a family of five is a hard task.  When one of the biggest eaters of the clan doesn't eat a certain food, the cook tends to eliminate it from the menu plans completely. I have never wanted to be a short order cook.

But occasionally we will find an Italian restaurant that strikes his fancy and he will order a non-pasta dish and I can indulge.  This was true a few years ago with our friends, Joey and Kristen from our former home of Rome, Georgia.

Tony's Pasta Shop & Trattoria. This is home to a seafood ravioli that is to die for!  That night the four of us gathered around a table and three of the four of us feasted on pasta...the other made due.

Besides the food, the fellowship that exists between the four of us when we get the chance to visit is sweet, sacred, and spirit-filled.  To say that the Haynes are special to us in an understatement.

That specific evening I was sharing a struggle I was having. It had some to do along the lines of dealing with a difficult person. I was a having a hard time getting along with someone in my life and it was consuming my people-pleasing self.  I wanted to be liked by and in return wanted to like this person.

My three dinner dates listened and let me vent a bit. Then Joey shared some wisdom...

"God didn't say you had to like everybody. He said you had to love everybody."

I let that sink in for a few seconds. Then the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.

You don't have to like everyone you encounter.  Some folks will rub you the wrong way.  Some people are mean. Some are just too nice. There will be people in life that you find very approachable...others not so much. You will cross paths with individuals that will creep you out. A few people in your life may just irritate you to no end.  There will even be some people that will be toxic and that with which you have to part ways.

You don't have to like them. It's okay.

Everyone you encounter doesn't have to like you. You will rub some folks the wrong way.  Some people will think you are mean. Some will think you are just too nice. There will be people that find you very approachable...others not so much. You will cross paths with individuals that you creep out. You will irritate a few people in your life to no end.  For some, you may be toxic and they will have to part ways with you.

They don't have to like you. It's okay.

But we are called to love.

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you."

John 15:12

"Above all, love each other deeply..."
I Peter 4:8

"Let all that you do be done in love."
I Corinthians 16:14

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God."
I John 4:7-8

The list could go on and on. We are told to love our neighbor, our spouse, and our parents. We are commanded to love. Scriptures tell us to love God first. We are to love our children. We are to love and care for members of the church. 

And then comes this one...

"Love your enemies, do good to them..."
Luke 6:35

Hold the phone! Say what?! That's right...even those people that you don't like...even to go as far as calling them your enemies...yeah, you gotta love them, too. Even when someone doesn't like you in return? There are no "buts" or "except whens" or "only ifs". The answer is the same. Love.

This can look a lot of different ways. It can look like prayer. It can be a kind gesture or a smile. A lot of times it is clothed in patience and grace. Most of the time it is quiet, maybe even silent...this one is hard for almost all of us. Sometimes it is staying out of someone's way and other times it looks like making an amends and moving on. 

We just have to always ask ourselves..."Don't worry about whether I like them or not...but am I loving them?" We should ask ourselves this question so very often, during several moments of the day. Because you see, lots of moments make up a life. And Christ told us exactly what to do with our life...

"Live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

Ephesians 5:2

Live a life of love, whether you like some folks or not. Christ gave himself up for us. The least we can do is love as close as how He did, making that our sacrifice to God the Father.

Running Blind

I run with my eyes wide open.

I look at my Garmin watch as the mileage and time tick away. The horizon keeps my attention. Sometimes I watch the clouds roll into different creatures and shapes. I have landmarks that I anticipate as I near them. Pot holes, big rocks, and ruts...I constantly scan the path before me in order to stay injury free.

Just like a good pair of running shoes, well cushioned socks, and that trusty watch, my eyes are a necessity to a good run. I need to see where I am going.  I need to watch where I plant my feet.

This past weekend, the last of the three kids made her way to the elementary state cross country meet. We were all so excited for the youngest Thomas. She packed up her singlet, shorts, spikes, and the must-have knee high running socks and had Victor Ashe Park in Knoxville in her sights. Sadie and her fellow teammates were ready to run!

If I told you that the day was a perfect day for a run, I'd be lying. It was cold; fall had finally decided to descend upon middle and east Tennessee. It was back and forth between a mist and a moderate rain. The ground was saturated. 

But 485 third through sixth grade girls came to run, and run they did.  Through the mud...through the wet, slick grass...through the puddles...all 485 girls ran.

Watching cross country meets is like no other sport of which I have been a spectator.  You can't help but cheer for each and every one of the runners.  I find myself telling kids I have never seen before to keep moving and finish strong. Saturday was no different. As a few of us hugged the rope and watched for our three runners to descend down the last hill toward the finish line, we joined in with hundreds of others with shouts of encouragement and excitement. 

As we were cheering, my attention was drawn to one particular runner. She was about Sadie's age. The first thing I noticed about her was a mechanism that was strapped to her chest. A strap extended away from that mechanism and that strap was being held by her coach, who was running right alongside her. It took me a moment to realize what was happening. 

She was blind. She was running blind, listening intently and trusting the words of her coach, telling her exactly what to expect and where to plant the next step. 

"I can see the finish line. You are almost there. You can do this!"

faith, noun: complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

So many times us Christians talk a big game about our faith. We talk about how it is so courageous to believe without seeing. But do we really run our race that way? Is faith really just believing without seeing? Or is it running blind, trusting completely in someone else?

There is a big difference in "believe in God" and "believing God". Many of us say we have faith because we believe in God...that He exists and that we acknowledge Him as our savior. But do we truly believe what He says and does that show in how we live our lives?

Proverbs 3, beginning in verse 5, taken from The Message...

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil!

A few years ago I thought I was totally in control of everything.  If there was a problem, I knew I could fix it.  I made extremely detailed plans and "to do" lists in order to make sure things went just perfectly. I believed I had it all together. There was no trust or confidence in anyone or anything other than myself.

I was prideful. I was arrogrant. I was wrong. 

But we serve a loving and jealous God. I am glad that He intervened, even though it was hard and messy and even sad at times. 

There is a peace that comes from not trying to figure everything out on your own. Slowly but surely I have started listening to see if God shows up in all the things I do and all the places I go. Sure enough He does! Every. single. time. As I run, as long as I am running toward Him and away from evil, He keeps me on track. But running toward Him means not only listening and believing, but it also means doing what He says.

My brothers and sisters, if someone says he has faith, but does nothing, his faith is worth nothing. Can faith like that save him? A brother or sister might need clothes or might need food. And you say to him, "God be with you!  I hope you stay warm and get plenty to eat."  You say this but you do not give that person the things he needs. Unless you help him, your words are worth nothing. It is the same with faith. If faith does nothing, then that faith is dead, because it is alone. 

Someone might say, "You have faith, but I do things. Show me your faith! Your faith does nothing. I will show you my faith by the things I do."

James 2:14-18, ICB

If He says run right; then run right. If He says run through the mud; then run through the mud. If He says feed the hungry; then feed the hungry. If He says spend some time with the not-so-easy friend down the street; then spend the time. If He says turn the other cheek; then turn the other cheek. If He says go; then you better go. If He tells you to do something that you don't want to do...maybe it doesn't fit in your plan; then do it any way.

Complete trust. Complete confidence. Complete obedience.

One thing is for sure...He will never tell you to do nothing.  He won't tell you to just sit on a pew a few hours a week.  He is calling for an active faith. One that keeps us running. And there is no need to run with our eyes wide open. We can even run blind.