I didn’t like myself yesterday.
I complained. I was impatient with people I dearly love. Pessimism. Negativity. Self righteousness. Pride. They were my friends.
And this morning in the hangover of a bad attitude, insecurities and self doubt are nagging at my joy.
Finding joy is becoming a complicated process these days. Escaping the overly shared opinions, controversy, and the constant finger pointing and fighting is impossible. Everyone gets offended by everything. Around every corner you find an expert. Yesterday around a corner or two you would have found me, the expert, and I am real sad about that. I miss the days where around most corners we just found friends.
Is anyone else exhausted? Is anyone else having trouble with it all? Anyone else having trouble finding joy?
So this morning, in the still before the three kids invade the silence and the smell of morning coffee, I am searching for joy. Simple, quiet, unnoticed joy. Something I can hold onto the rest of the day.
It does not take long to realize I am probably not going to find it by the click of the remote or the touch of a phone screen. The refrigerator and pantry may have a few things that mask themselves as joy, but nothing that will last. The candle on the coffee table creates peace for a short while. But joy, where is it?
The airco cuts off just as the refrigerator stops running. Silence. Completely.
The cicadas sing their song. Two birds conversate back and forth in the back yard. The sun hits the brick floor through the window blinds.
Joy. Sent from the Creator.
My voice breaks the silence and I begin to talk out loud to my Father. I lay my mess ups and insecurities from yesterday at His feet. I give thanksgiving for His truth...the ONLY absolute truth. Boy do I need the encouragement to only look to Him as the expert! I ask Him to help me with this. And I know He is listening and understands because He walked and lived in the mess, too.
Open my eyes to only see You in the midst of the mess. The joy You bring is always there. It is I who decided to lose the focus. Silence the sting of stress and negativity that the enemy brings. Create and renew in me a joyful heart and spirit.
Heal this world. Settle our hearts on You. Humble us.
Thank you for being the Joy Giver.
May we honor You as that, along with so much more.
